Episode 7: Vampires/Transcript
00:00 ::are you 450 pounds can't get off the 00:02 ::couch you want to suck people's fly 00:03 ::forces out of the brain let's talk about 00:04 ::it no BOTS roast beef sandwich all right 00:13 ::I don't know if we are enough I don't 00:16 ::think that we are ready to do it I want 00:23 ::to say welcome to last podcast on the 00:25 ::left it's a bouquet pod casts its super 00:30 ::kooky super spooky and I'll tell you 00:32 ::this episode is going to really suck 00:36 ::yeah 00:37 ::guys we're talking about vampires not 00:39 ::because Kissell I'm sorry but the 00:42 ::correct pronunciation is vampyre 00:45 ::vampires we are discussing all things 00:48 ::vampires today and this is going to be 00:51 ::an absolute riot I would say if I was 00:52 ::going to be mauled and sexually harassed 00:54 ::by any demon creature vampire is the one 00:57 ::for me especially the redhead from Bram 00:59 ::Stoker's Dracula oh yeah 01:02 ::I want him hard and I want him now I 01:04 ::wanted to bite my neck and make me feel 01:05 ::like the prettiest gal in Tuscaloosa 01:07 ::yeah that's what they'll do absolutely 01:09 ::so much blood 01:10 ::I am the OCB Oh what you Old Country 01:15 ::Buffet for vampires I'm a six foot seven 01:19 ::man with poor circulation the amount of 01:22 ::blood that's puddled up in my ankle 01:24 ::right now alone could feed a family of 01:26 ::five and you just imagine how it must 01:28 ::taste all the cheese all the sausage 01:32 ::flavorings going on there all the beefs 01:33 ::and nacho cheese absolutes and mushroom 01:36 ::ice cream yeah running through your 01:38 ::system at times they would probably just 01:41 ::become so addicted to me they'd be like 01:43 ::oh man you got any more you got any more 01:45 ::Ben we need some more bad man 01:46 ::I'd be like the vampire version of meth 01:49 ::next thing you know they moved out of 01:50 ::their castles they're sitting in some 01:52 ::trailer park there's no windows in it 01:54 ::for some damn Ruiz got a bunch of face 01:56 ::sores 01:56 ::that's bright I don't know why and then 02:00 ::they're going to go back and they're 02:01 ::gonna try to talk to the gals that they 02:02 ::used to be able to court the young 02:04 ::princesses and queens and they're gonna 02:05 ::be like looks like you've had a little 02:06 ::bit too much Ben honey you're gonna have 02:08 ::to get the hell out of here yeah our 02:09 ::dang nightmare right now they just do a 02:11 ::bunch of bend and then go on Facebook 02:13 ::and look 02:13 ::the old vampire friends of the use of 02:15 ::date back in middle high school its 02:17 ::traffic oh good so you could have been 02:20 ::who is on this thing I am Benjamin 02:22 ::Kissel and then of course there's Henry 02:24 ::Zebrowski vampyre van peers and and I'm 02:28 ::looking at him right now in his name is 02:30 ::Marcus Parkes Marcus I say oh it's good 02:33 ::vampire no Athens thank you you do have 02:35 ::most uh you were the most vampiric of 02:39 ::all of us right now oh yeah I'm thin and 02:42 ::pale yeah you got a nag Lee teeth and 02:44 ::wildly eyes ah you're petrified so let's 02:48 ::get it I just wish they could let me be 02:50 ::a vampire just let me be knowing bad 02:53 ::vampires I'm sorry buddy just make one 02:55 ::just a fat fun friendly vampire no you 02:59 ::can't do it there's no Casper situation 03:02 ::three Friendly Ghost there's friendly 03:05 ::demons there's friendly uh sasquatches 03:08 ::but no friendly vampires it's kind of in 03:10 ::now what's the Kiefer Sutherland one 03:11 ::blossom or lost boys lost oh yeah 03:14 ::there's some do some friendlier ones you 03:15 ::get Jason Patric and they're so steamy 03:17 ::sure big hair whoo what a good vampire 03:20 ::hole just suck all the blood up Monday 03:23 ::well Jim Carrey's Trek was pretty uh he 03:25 ::was pretty friendly in once bitten when 03:27 ::bitten is pretty silly I guess it did 03:29 ::sort of turn that's a good point there 03:31 ::is always though the Jim Carrey version 03:33 ::of reality I mean I don't think he's 03:37 ::gonna make it I don't think he's gonna 03:39 ::do it the wins but not jacked off to 03:41 ::that movie quite often and it took me a 03:42 ::very long time to realize that she was a 03:44 ::vampire I didn't understand the overall 03:46 ::themes yeah it was the coolest mother in 03:48 ::the world 03:48 ::yeah you were just you're just you're 03:49 ::busy jerking off to it right thank you 03:51 ::it it's like sleeping in a coffin yeah I 03:54 ::love love it working on coffin I need 03:57 ::like spy all the spice girl songs I know 03:58 ::the only because of watching the videos 04:01 ::over and over relentlessly beating off 04:03 ::oh my god 04:06 ::I got to get to off subject but the fat 04:10 ::one the fat Spice Girl she was always my 04:12 ::favorite and people call miss Gina Baker 04:14 ::some baby spice is kind of thick then 04:17 ::with everyone gonna throw now ginger was 04:18 ::also kind of big too yeah British well 04:22 ::yeah that's true I don't woman you don't 04:24 ::yeah 04:25 ::a British woman I don't think they have 04:27 ::a risk of being bitten by too many 04:28 ::vampires they all have like the perfect 04:30 ::like all pair bodies yeah that's a good 04:32 ::point you a flat for me I'm a vampire I 04:37 ::don't like your big fattie but I just 04:40 ::hate the fact that they've made vampires 04:42 ::so sissy now I know that technically it 04:45 ::started with like Bela Lugosi and the 04:48 ::like even far back to like Bram Stoker's 04:50 ::original novel like making the vampire 04:53 ::seem like a funny little FOP or just 04:55 ::sort of like a rich person because it's 04:58 ::like in China 04:59 ::vampires like let this not be I'm not 05:02 ::gonna racist every time on any of these 05:06 ::podcasts I do swear it's butter and 05:08 ::someone says in China right well we're 05:11 ::gonna lose all our Chinese listeners 05:12 ::right now no I believe they have the 05:15 ::cutest feet they're all wrapped around 05:17 ::themselves um the Chinese vampires 05:21 ::though are like tiny covered in hair and 05:25 ::ferocious monsters that are will 05:27 ::werewolf no they have like because they 05:29 ::like in a lot of folklore like 05:32 ::werewolves and vampires are kind of 05:34 ::mixed up because kind of it's all sort 05:36 ::of like which you can imagine is is in a 05:39 ::town in Romania they had what would 05:42 ::probably be considered now a serial 05:43 ::killer that they had to in order for 05:45 ::them to understand the kind of like lump 05:47 ::it all together that there's a bad side 05:49 - man that is beastial run you kind of 05:51 ::like it just turned into vampire over 05:54 ::time Yeah right well and of course the 05:56 ::werewolf story probably comes from some 05:59 ::very aggressive maulings from actual 06:01 ::wolves yeah and they were like you 06:03 ::should have seen it it's similar to a 06:05 ::you know the big fish story it was ten 06:06 ::feet long when reality was Harley it was 06:09 ::a throwback and it was back oars it's 06:11 ::like back in the day where it's like 06:12 ::someone like you know at Larsson where 06:15 ::it's like if you met him and you made 06:16 ::love to him even once and you were so 06:18 ::afraid of it in ashamed of it after eyes 06:20 ::that like you had to make a werewolf 06:22 ::story or a vampire story afterwards I 06:24 ::mean just a koala me or own brain just 06:26 ::be like I did not have sex with that 06:28 ::hideous person he had to be a demon 06:31 ::monster for more from Ed Larson listened 06:33 ::to middle relief it comes out every wins 06:36 ::a round table of gentlemen all sports 06:38 ::all the time 06:39 ::the reason though which I thought was 06:40 ::interesting with vampires it came from a 06:44 ::basic fear of human discount 06:46 ::decomposition yeah they just couldn't 06:48 ::understand because apparently when you 06:49 ::die you're real fat and if you don't go 06:53 ::through the embalming process you're 06:54 ::gurgly up in the old under Bulow's yeah 06:56 ::and so they would hear these coffins 06:59 ::they would like hear these people making 07:01 ::noises and sounds they would dig them up 07:04 ::and then apparently it's not the nail 07:07 ::that continues to grow the human nail 07:09 ::the skin reels back yeah so it looks 07:12 ::like the ma and their hair grows yeah so 07:14 ::it looks as if they've had some crazy 07:16 ::life where they're going out at night 07:18 ::sucking on people's bloods and going 07:20 ::back to the coffin over there they've 07:21 ::got gigantic hard-ons as well 07:23 ::absolu is that right yeah when you die 07:25 ::you're supposed to eat shit your pants 07:27 ::and get real hard they call it angel 07:29 ::lust why do you wait till you die to do 07:30 ::that that's terrible 07:33 ::I live my whole life to shit my pants 07:34 ::and get an erection which is another fun 07:36 ::thing that was just completely based on 07:38 ::human ignorance yeah you know and that's 07:41 ::fine but yet so you just a bunch of 07:43 ::people just real confused about it made 07:45 ::a vampire so just easier to believe that 07:46 ::vampires access them but your body 07:48 ::changes after you're died or that your 07:50 ::soul I guess didn't go to to a non 07:52 ::existence place in this guy yeah yeah I 07:55 ::mean I think that I think I wish that 07:58 ::vampires were real as opposed to the 08:01 ::fact that it's just a really sad end of 08:03 ::everybody's life where we just turn into 08:05 ::a big puddle of liquid goo yeah it would 08:08 ::be great if it would be cool to wake up 08:10 ::in the middle of the night go suck a 08:11 ::little bit of blood and I don't even 08:13 ::think you necessarily have to kill the 08:14 ::woman or the man and theoretically you 08:16 ::could suck a man's blood how do you want 08:18 ::to do it was this was it just seems a 08:20 ::lot of things were fed into it along the 08:22 ::lines of like people's guilty feelings 08:25 ::about like lustful ideas and and it's 08:29 ::very much tied into like sexuality as 08:31 ::well and the biddin thing about I don't 08:35 ::know I think you can label anybody as a 08:37 ::vampire who was probably at the time 08:39 ::just like really into being spanked or 08:40 ::like really into like people which we 08:43 ::have now but back then you just 08:45 ::immediately be vampire no I mean in 08:47 ::vampire stories are real there was just 08:49 ::a story couple of years back and of 08:51 ::it was some goth 17-year old boy yeah 08:53 ::and he ended up killing his girlfriend 08:56 ::in a ritual where they were drinking 08:57 ::each other's blood I remember that and 08:59 ::he just took too much it's like the end 09:02 ::of the original scream where they stab 09:05 ::each other he's like think you cut me 09:06 ::deep man exactly perfect at some point 09:12 ::you'd be like all right I'm gonna need 09:13 ::some of that back I'm gonna need some of 09:14 ::that blood all right you're gonna have 09:15 ::to be alive to continue this whole 09:17 ::process I'm just loving this blood 09:18 ::though spy adapter pide my mom very much 09:22 ::believes in vampires now my mom you said 09:23 ::your mother we had a conversation 09:25 ::recently and you said your mother 09:27 ::thought that her soul was being 09:29 ::possessed by a vampire 09:31 ::but it turns out to be like years on the 09:33 ::line and so my mom had a problem with 09:35 ::absorbing calcium but uh back in the day 09:38 ::she attributed all these like weird like 09:41 ::tired feelings to my we used to go to 09:43 ::this this very new agey Church that was 09:46 ::an interfaith like ministry were like 09:49 ::you you do like Muslim things and Jewish 09:52 ::things you can celebrate and you like 09:53 ::learn about all the stuff but it was in 09:55 ::the back of this like 12-step store 09:56 ::there was also like a crystal and 09:58 ::healing store and the woman who worked 10:00 ::there and owned it was convinced that 10:03 ::she was a psychic and she used to like 10:05 ::give us like past life regressions and 10:07 ::we used to do all this like weird sort 10:09 ::of like psychic stuff and my mom was 10:11 ::really into it and just became to 10:12 ::believe that the reason why should feel 10:13 ::like this was that someone had put a 10:15 ::curse on her a psychic vampire was 10:18 ::hunting her ah this is intense psychic 10:22 ::vampire and all vampire yeah that's 10:24 ::beautiful and then when did she come to 10:26 ::terms of the fact that that was total 10:28 ::lunacy what you just knew after a while 10:31 ::I mean in the end there's just no 10:33 ::vampires there just aren't any I've 10:35 ::never even heard of a psychic vampire 10:37 ::before I think it needs to be explored 10:39 ::more but then you have people who sell 10:42 ::millions of dollars worth of books and 10:44 ::how to defend yourself from psychic 10:45 ::vampires do you think that Rohm party 10:49 ::needs to drop inside and start making a 10:51 ::movie about a psychic grandma absolutely 10:55 ::indiegogo.com 10:56 ::give some money to run birdies 10:58 ::you feel mall about psychic vampire 11:01 ::starring Henry Zebrowski 's mother I'm 11:03 ::not sure who I won't do suck you psychic 11:07 ::shit I don't know what am i using form 11:10 ::of being a vampire too it's like get off 11:12 ::your get out of your esophagus or what 11:15 ::are you cassava cassava uh uh de yeah 11:18 ::sarcophagus sarcophagus uh not not your 11:21 ::throat per se are you 450 pounds can't 11:23 ::get off the couch you want to suck 11:24 ::people's life forces out of the brain 11:26 ::let's just think about it a whole bunch 11:28 ::me that's the thing it's like the 11:30 ::equivalent of someone Stivers 11:32 ::cyberstalking so get out there go into 11:35 ::their tree look in that window with your 11:37 ::own two eyes that's really only way 11:39 ::you're gonna see some new T's as if 11:40 ::you're looking in their house or like 11:41 ::videotape in their bathroom okay these 11:44 ::days yeah oh my goodness yeah well I'll 11:46 ::tell you I think sec psychic vampire 11:48 ::sounds a hell of a lot cooler than the 11:50 ::current trend of vampires which has been 11:52 ::the pacification of all things violent 11:55 ::it's it's awful now with the twilights 11:58 ::and well I guess we did say the last 12:00 ::good film I think we can all agree was 12:02 ::let the right one end which is fucking 12:03 ::amazing 12:04 ::yeah such a great movie and I love the 12:06 ::conundrum of being a 13 year old girl 12:08 ::vampire and what is she was she was 12:11 ::thousands of years old right yeah but 12:13 ::the original version of that movie I 12:15 ::mean the I went to see the what was that 12:17 ::letting me in the American one which was 12:19 ::garbage 12:20 ::honestly like well the movies already 12:22 ::been made I hate remakes that come a 12:24 ::year later with only and the only 12:26 ::difference is well you don't gotta read 12:27 ::it we don't gotta read the words it to 12:30 ::say and it's like it's so easy to do I'm 12:32 ::it literally I'm gonna eat illiterate 12:34 ::human being yeah I can I only read words 12:37 ::best if they're written in crayon and 12:39 ::the and it was it's so simple to watch a 12:42 ::movie and read two sentences every 12:44 ::minute in the original movie is so like 12:46 ::emotional and subtle and but then the 12:49 ::violence is really intense like the 12:51 ::violence is like pretty graphic and 12:53 ::really good and then they just had to 12:54 ::add a bunch of computer shit to the new 12:56 ::one floors doesn't matterr american 12:58 ::piece of shit they can throw money at it 13:00 ::all they want it's like all you need to 13:02 ::do that's the nice thing when you have a 13:04 ::film and it's it's peaceful and it's 13:05 ::like calm like let the right went in 13:07 ::when she jumped jumps off the bridge and 13:09 ::kills somebody it's like whoa 13:12 ::what the hell's light happened yeah it's 13:13 ::crazy because that's not supposed to be 13:14 ::happy in this normal world American 13:16 ::movies they always they just assume that 13:19 ::more special effects make this bet makes 13:21 ::it better and really it has really hurt 13:23 ::the horror job oh my god you mean you're 13:26 ::hurting my imagination 13:27 ::yeah the fake blood thing is pathetic if 13:29 ::I go to a movie set and it's a horror 13:31 ::movie there's no real blood all over 13:32 ::that set it's gonna be a huge piece of 13:35 ::shit yeah just let's see the blood I 13:37 ::want to see the blood I want to see 13:39 ::actual blood 13:40 ::you can't shooting out of you because I 13:42 ::can't do that in real life yeah and I 13:43 ::mean I can't kill people don't make the 13:45 ::psychic vampires it's also extremely 13:47 ::lazy just get blood there I go we'll do 13:49 ::it in pose just do it now 13:50 ::but that's a thing - going back to like 13:52 ::sort of old age vampires is like they 13:55 ::used to say that the vampires were 13:57 ::supposed to like tear you to pieces like 13:59 ::right rip open your whole throat like 14:01 ::suck it out which is why when Jack the 14:03 ::Ripper happen like immediately everyone 14:05 ::was assuming was somebody who like 14:07 ::thought they were a vampire oh really 14:09 ::yeah they were Jack the Ripper and then 14:11 ::there was uh what's-his-name 14:13 ::the vampire dusseldorf 19:27 who was one 14:19 ::of the hugely prolific German serial 14:23 ::killer fucker what he that's the thing 14:25 ::about the Germans they can get away with 14:27 ::being a sailor killer because uh oh you 14:28 ::hear what happened to Dusseldorf yeah 14:30 ::it's a chilling women now who's like oh 14:32 ::you were doing that for some time now 14:35 ::oh do so is so crazy well that day when 14:38 ::he was just killing women was just like 14:40 ::was an accepted hobby right in Germany 14:43 ::well good good god it's still going on 14:44 ::now I would say what do you think about 14:47 ::that conundrum though so if you're aware 14:49 ::wolf you turn into a werewolf on a full 14:51 ::moon if you're if you're a a whole 14:53 ::series of if you're a vampire you have 14:55 ::to stay the same age as you are when you 14:57 ::became a vampire 14:58 ::which makes you which you can be really 15:00 ::sexy then you can't be ever but I feel 15:02 ::like what age would you want to be bit 15:04 ::number one and number two if you are bit 15:06 ::at a just sucks like if you're eight 15:09 ::years old for the rest of your life and 15:10 ::an interview with the vampire interview 15:12 ::with a vampire that is a hell worse than 15:16 ::living in Minnesota at the same time I 15:17 ::don't want to exist at this age forever 15:19 ::I look terrible enough but the thing is 15:21 ::I've always looked terrible there's 15:23 ::never been a period of time in which I 15:25 ::wish I wish 15:25 ::I would have been stuck that's you know 15:27 ::Henry I would tell you get bit now I 15:29 ::mean if you're gonna become a vampire 15:30 ::vampire at any moment in your life do it 15:32 ::now well think about very 45 should 15:34 ::pushing 400 pounds well I mean Elvis 15:37 ::side's vampire would be amazing 15:39 ::they just don't exist though I just 15:41 ::don't understand that because there's 15:43 ::what a hungriest vampire yes yeah you 15:47 ::would be Hunger everyone else yeah 15:49 ::exactly you would you would totally it's 15:51 ::like when you put too much carp into a 15:53 ::lake to eat all the fish all the other 15:56 ::vampires would be ghastly and did as a 15:59 ::French woman and they're like what's 16:00 ::going on somebody bit the fattest man in 16:03 ::the world yeah Bach ins didn't look back 16:07 ::their moves are gross horoscope oh no oh 16:12 ::god damn it 16:14 ::Warren why'd you bite in the fattest man 16:17 ::in the world he's just eaten fried blood 16:19 ::yeah yeah that's all I guess has to eat 16:22 ::it with cheese a like a blood dumpling 16:24 ::please not blood dumpling watchers are 16:27 ::so good yeah you see does he keep the 16:29 ::same hours as a vampire there's no 16:31 ::reason for him to go outside no I'm not 16:34 ::during the day that'd be that'd be gross 16:36 ::I don't even know if you physically 16:37 ::could go outside you might be bedridden 16:38 ::which is the saddest of all they're 16:40 ::gonna come to you so he just keeps 16:41 ::calling for delivery just an IV show 16:43 ::like whenever they literally show up to 16:45 ::his door he just like hits him over the 16:47 ::head with the hammer legs like drags his 16:50 ::body to the front door and as they come 16:52 ::in just like cluck 16:54 ::yeah then suck libido sucks it like 16:56 ::that's about let's like rascal wait yeah 16:58 ::like a guy could still get out he could 17:00 ::still get on his rascal and like scoot 17:02 ::away fat vampire I have a van Helsing 17:08 ::who's also 450 have right it's like a 17:11 ::constant it is like one of those eternal 17:14 ::struggles between the two of them 17:16 ::because they literally can't get to the 17:18 ::same room a lot of heavy breathing yeah 17:20 ::I love it dad I think that would be a 17:23 ::perfect perfect way to live as a vampire 17:25 ::have you amazing rattling around here no 17:27 ::one would suspect you yeah yours the 17:29 ::morbidly obese dude everyone's like ah 17:30 ::beats tons and tons of food he's like 17:31 ::what I do eat a lot but it's not food 17:33 ::hey boys what is your blood Little Bo 17:35 ::Oh that'll be so fun the whole series of 17:38 ::Boy Scouts stored up in your freezer I 17:40 ::wish that John Wayne Gacy said that 17:42 ::tentative the children that hurt that's 17:44 ::the Oh we'll get your blood in the boy 17:46 ::poor little boy oh boy okay ginger I 17:49 ::think John Wayne Gacy is the closest 17:51 ::thing we've ever had to a fat vampire 17:53 ::isn't he he's just a toad I go back 17:54 ::definitely would you is he the fattest 17:57 ::serial killer oh yeah John Wayne Gacy 17:59 ::what are the numbers on that I mean he 18:01 ::had to be a pushin 380 and in his prime 18:03 ::yeah use it diggin yeah I mean John 18:05 ::Candy ask I can't imagine I can't think 18:08 ::of a fatter serial killer because most 18:09 ::serial killers have a little bit too 18:11 ::much self-respect you know they love 18:14 ::themselves to the point where they're 18:16 ::just like I would never ever want to see 18:18 ::a gut around this beautiful man body you 18:21 ::know I mean not to mention if you're 18:23 ::gonna be a proper vampire or a serial 18:25 ::killer you gotta get a run yeah you got 18:27 ::a stalk I'm gonna put your time you have 18:29 ::sneak you can't sneak when you're 400 18:31 ::pounds no that's a it's naked you're 18:33 ::sneaking is just you standing it's just 18:36 ::widest you're gonna see I mean 18:39 ::absolutely it's like I was in a movie 18:41 ::the other day and there was a huge 18:42 ::morbidly obese fella who came in 15 18:43 ::minutes late and he did one of those 18:45 ::like oh hey don't wanna don't notice me 18:47 ::nobody knows me that's right buddy any 18:49 ::like Santa Claus yeah I literally 18:51 ::eyeballing you right who's getting the 18:52 ::gifts is Oprah in town real going home 18:54 ::with something jumpin John Wayne Gacy 18:56 'he's uh stats 5-8 222 honey at 5 acres 19:01 ::in him 19:01 ::I'm Saturday I beat him on five seven to 19:05 30 no I want shit well you look great so 19:13 ::keep it up I mean I you should be happy 19:15 ::you're too fat to be a vampire no one's 19:17 ::coming after you I might be too tall I'm 19:19 ::not man enough 19:20 ::I'm the perfect vampire victim you are 19:22 ::well that's the thing what a fat lump 19:24 ::like if you saw me sleep in my bed cuz 19:26 ::you know how I sleep it's like you know 19:29 ::yeah you gotta juice arms or like a 19:31 ::handkerchief like floating over my mouth 19:33 ::as I sleep you know like Paris you just 19:35 ::go right for my belly you won't even go 19:37 ::to my neck he's being like Elliott 19:40 ::invite I don't I don't know though 19:41 ::because I don't think the belly is full 19:43 ::of as much blood as you might think 19:45 ::Oh matter people have worse circulation 19:47 ::it might be easier for 19:49 ::the vamper to go after somebody thing 19:50 ::get rid of those veins yeah sure you 19:52 ::might have to work through some stuff 19:53 ::did the things but I also think they use 19:56 ::the tongue Macau the neck is an obvious 19:58 ::place but it would also be like he'd 20:00 ::probably have to also like munch up near 20:02 ::between where my balls touch my legs 20:04 ::you know me line the crook of the leg 20:07 ::where your where your balls are there 20:09 ::and there's the inside the elbow of your 20:11 ::leg it's not your knee elbow it's the 20:13 ::other one about the inside ones Hardy 20:16 ::vein you gotta get in there right oh 20:17 ::really good enough just like it just be 20:20 ::going whoa whoa there buddy whoa what's 20:23 ::going on here oh my goodness I feel so 20:25 ::bad for that poor vampire everyone's 20:27 ::making fun of him he's been a for being 20:29 ::a chubby chaser I just I can't get all 20:32 ::these on that kids ID I need the fat 20:34 ::ones now you're so weird Warren uh no my 20:37 ::name is Warren but I love God's Warren 20:39 ::Warren the vampire it seems like a 20:42 ::pretty adorable 20:43 ::hey-ya only does the fatties i'd love a 20:47 ::good old-fashioned r-rated Pixar movie 20:49 ::about Warren the vampire oh I do an 20:51 ::r-rated movie I'm sorry it would be 20:53 ::amazing all about Warren the vampire 20:55 ::going around just you know not the butt 20:57 ::holes of fat dudes I don't know why he 21:00 ::loves those butt holes but he just needs 21:02 ::him I never seen a vampire need butt 21:05 ::holes more than war in the band you got 21:08 ::crystals like his sidekick is a little 21:10 ::fat bat that hangs out with him I love 21:12 ::it we've got edge literally not educated 21:17 ::anybody about vampires so which is my 21:20 ::favorite I'm fine with this it's hard to 21:23 ::educate people about vampires they know 21:25 ::about them 21:26 ::vampires are I mean they're just like 21:28 ::just so not real is it the gears 21:31 ::Washington or wheeling also there's more 21:34 ::scary things in real life than vampire 21:35 ::but theoretically you could anyone can 21:37 ::be a vampire all you do is drink blood 21:38 ::stay up all night dress horribly but you 21:41 ::have a but you have a bunch of shitty 21:42 ::rules that you gotta follow and you're 21:44 ::gonna die well and you has a person 21:47 ::although you know I think you have about 21:50 ::five years of really thinking you're 21:52 ::never gonna die but then you're going to 21:53 ::hit 30 and you just realize I get hung 21:56 ::over more now my liver hurts 21:59 ::yeah I'm Bush packing on the pounds I'm 22:01 ::eating less somehow 22:02 ::getting fatter and for some reason I 22:04 ::want to have children so I don't know 22:06 ::what the hell is going on I guess hey 22:08 ::guys 22:09 ::that's exactly my life that's exactly 22:12 ::the way that I feel and for the first 22:14 ::time in my life I realize I'm not a 22:16 ::vampire uh it sucks s yeah not the good 22:20 ::kind of suck ass nose the sad kind of a 22:22 ::Morty dead sucker to warn the vampire 22:24 ::sucking ass which is you dying right 22:27 ::Marcus what days do you want to become a 22:28 ::vampire I would say right now would be 22:31 ::fine right pretty half one it maybe like 22:33 ::two years ago yeah something like that 22:35 ::yeah like mid 20s like 26 27 would have 22:38 ::been pretty good that'd be good starting 22:40 ::to shit I'm starting to show a little 22:41 ::bit more exactly and that's the thing 22:43 ::you get been at 80 you're just an old 22:45 ::decrepit dude and you know there's a 22:48 ::fine there's a huge difference between 22:50 ::the kind of blood you're gonna be able 22:52 ::to get if you're 80 maybe you could 22:54 ::court some senile gal in an old folks 22:56 ::home but you don't want to be doing that 22:58 ::forever no you don't be doing it forever 22:59 ::so you want to die you want to become a 23:01 ::vampire you know when you can still get 23:03 ::that nice for the Reggiana vagina yeah 23:05 ::when you take off your shirt to sparkle 23:07 ::in the daylight you retract appart young 23:11 18 year old girls and that's the thing 23:13 ::about vampires right they're not allowed 23:14 ::to go into the daylight it's why are 23:16 ::they comedians vampires and comedians 23:19 ::are the exact same thing it's yeah if 23:20 ::it's the same lifestyle it's a say but 23:23 ::there's there's all sorts of rules and 23:25 ::you know we're not static they're all 23:27 ::change a lot of them say you can come 23:29 ::out in the daytime and then there's like 23:30 ::they're really like you know you could 23:32 ::check googly so you can kill a vampire 23:34 ::by stabbing him in the heart 23:35 ::right and kill a vampire we're shooting 23:37 ::with the Silver Bullet same thing with 23:39 ::Liza where we'll put it which by the way 23:40 ::will kill anything yeah well the bullets 23:42 ::still fucking bullet and then the other 23:45 ::thing is to chop up stuff it's mouth 23:47 ::full of garlic chopped up his head burn 23:49 ::the head and then burn the body which is 23:51 ::what they used to do to corpses he said 23:53 ::dig up corpses yup its head full of 23:55 ::garlic and then cut it off which is just 23:57 ::another dis random shit oh did he not 24:00 ::come back from that oh yeah oh my god 24:02 ::then we go the damn hair yeah thank God 24:05 ::we did that I was fairly certain he was 24:07 ::coming back 24:07 ::I just waiting for like I just feel like 24:09 ::it was just one guy who walked into a 24:11 ::graveyard and was just like everyone 24:12 ::stayed over there I was like oh sure 24:14 ::where the vampire is and goes and digs 24:15 ::up a guy and then 24:16 ::like pulls up his body was like right we 24:19 ::get the Bernie style yeah exactly 24:22 ::a vampire a vampire 24:25 ::have you seen vampires kiss oh I don't 24:27 ::even know how they do it no vampires the 24:30 ::movie oh I've never seen vampires kiss 24:33 ::the movie and I've never seen vampires 24:35 ::kiss in real life I mean because to me 24:37 ::it just seems like it's just gonna 24:39 ::inevitably end up with both of them dead 24:41 ::I just want to plug this movie and say 24:42 ::that if you see if you listen to this 24:44 ::podcast vampires kiss is a fucking 24:47 ::must-see Nic Cage plays a businessman 24:50 ::who believes he's becoming a vampire and 24:53 ::it's his performance in that movie is 24:56 ::one of the most incredible leading men 24:58 ::performances you'll ever see it's not 24:59 ::good okay it's not a good performance 25:02 ::but it's I could say brave but it's more 25:06 ::like brazenly wrong and confident in 25:09 ::being that way and that's what he does 25:11 ::best 25:11 ::was it this the movie that he had it in 25:13 ::his contract he could do whatever he 25:15 ::wanted this was that was another movie 25:17 ::that was like a siddha forgot the 25:18 ::fucking we were talking about it last 25:20 ::night um he played a private detective 25:22 ::of that word and he showed up on set 25:24 ::with cap teeth of bronzer all over him 25:26 ::and awake on and it's just him doing nut 25:29 ::shit 25:30 ::but in vampires kiss that's where the 25:32 ::whole scene come from see it's like how 25:34 ::hard is it to file like how cuz I would 25:36 ::make a mistake working the follies it 25:38 ::goes hey B C D G H I J game BAM he goes 25:46 ::through this whole the whole alphabet 25:48 ::whole alphabet oh wow incredible well 25:51 ::yet I have it on DVD 25:52 ::vampires kiss come from my house it 25:55 ::sounds like a beautiful smut porn that 25:57 ::Osama might have been watching as well 25:58 ::oh yeah I love that he was drunk a jerky 26:01 ::jerking it off I hope they were getting 26:03 ::him while he was jerking off I'd love 26:04 ::that they'll be very tragic well some 26:06 ::oven Laden was a fucking vampire I'd 26:08 ::shoot him two times in the head again 26:09 ::just to watch him go like no with the 26:15 ::snake that's it with an actual t-bone 26:18 ::steak yo him that's good it does no 26:20 ::reason we should stick with that don't 26:22 ::waste that snake that's a good steak get 26:23 ::out shake gotta hit that steak fat 26:25 ::vampire 26:26 ::I'll warn the fat vampire I don't know 26:29 ::why they keep 26:30 ::I'm trying to stab me with these steaks 26:31 ::I just want to eat this day every time 26:34 ::they try to stab with this thing I eat 26:36 ::this day all right this is been the 26:39 ::dumbest piece of read you guys listen to 26:44 ::this is really good are they gonna die 26:46 ::either steak so much another thing I 26:48 ::warn the vampire I don't know why they 26:51 ::don't hang out with me 26:52 ::it's me bitch your best friend bitch 26:54 ::let's go get some sports okay that's it 26:58 ::that's a fast buck at the Fred Riza 27:01 ::browse game 27:02 ::Vargas barks I'm ed Kissel we will 27:03 ::entertain you next week vampires 27:06 ::I like this day 27:09 ::Music